Woody Allen: "I have a new film coming out."
Everyone: "Is it about a man dating a younger woman?"
WA: "HOW DID YOU--INCREDIBLE."
— Jerr (@Jerradactyl) April 13, 2015
Just updated my phone. Is there REALLY still no burrito emoji?! Get it together, Apple.
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) April 15, 2015
Fool me once, please, I will take literally any human interaction I can get.
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) April 16, 2015
I just had a good cry in the shower because I'm an excellent multitasker.
— Goddess of Mischief (@ShanaRose21) April 16, 2015
I’m just looking for a dude who asks me how I am from time to time and knows my fave ice cream is Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolat Cookie.
— amelia (@xoamelia) April 17, 2015
u can take the girl out of the buffet but unless u check her purse/pockets for hidden jalapeño poppers, the buffet is going with the girl
— Colette McIntyre (@calledcolette) April 15, 2015
What's the opposite of "Free Hugs"? Whatever it is, that's what I give.
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) April 16, 2015
I wonder about what part of evolution led to me being too lazy to use the bathroom sometimes.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) April 14, 2015
BITCH BETTA HAVE MY PILLS - me at Walgreens
— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) April 12, 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, it's boob sweat season
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 17, 2015
Have you noticed how people stop and take photos at farmers markets like they've never seen fresh produce before? Like calm down it's a pear
— NYC BLONDE (@NYC_Blonde) April 15, 2015
Idea: vending machines at all these new trampoline places, only for sports bras.
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) April 17, 2015
The fact that I feel loyalty to Bank of America is absolutely terrifying
— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) April 16, 2015
An entire set just witness me take a giant pile of cilantro thinking it was salad. I can't put it back BUT I refuse to eat it.
— House Of Piazza (@MichellePiazza) April 15, 2015
Every time I have to say a "fun fact" about myself I realize how truly un-fun I am
— Nicole Conlan (@NicoleConlan) April 16, 2015
It's time for Facebook to change "People You May Know" to "People You Definitely Know and Are Actively Avoiding"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 16, 2015
Doctor: do you have any allergies?
Me: Idk, I hate everything does that count?
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) April 17, 2015
[at job interview]
"What's your greatest weakness?"
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 17, 2015
If I were Katniss I would've killed Peeta in the first minute of the first hunger games
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 17, 2015
Sorry, but if I get my hands on a time machine, I'm only going back 20 years to put sunscreen on.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 16, 2015
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
— molls (@MollySneed) April 17, 2015
Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.
— Dosie Doe (@DosieDoe) April 16, 2015
Your time is precious and in limited supply.
Please waste some on me.
— The People's Goddess (@ShoutingGoddess) April 17, 2015
Choose your battles I tell myself as I give them string cheese for breakfast.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 17, 2015
Its like my coworkers don't get how gifted I really am in sarcasm.
— The_martinigirl (@The_MartiniGirl) April 15, 2015
Pizza tracker, but for wine delivery. STAT.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) April 17, 2015
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